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I called The Maternal Unit on Chinese New Year since it is custom to do so. Our conversation was in Mandarin so there wasn’t any “Engrish”, but the topic was rather…riveting. Enjoy!
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This conversation occurred on the phone around 11 PM on January 26th, 2009. I’ve translated it into English which would explain the flawless grammar of at least one party.
Me: Hi Mom.
Mom: Hi, Happy Chinese New Year.
Me: Thanks, you too.
Mom: Thank you. You know, I want red envelopes.
Me: Um, who’s going to give them to you?
Mom: Obama.
Me: Um…why would he do that?
Mom: Because it’s Chinese New Year.
Me: Mom, he’s not even Asian.
Mom: President Ma Ying-Jeou [of Taiwan] gave them out.
Me: That’s because he’s in Taiwan!
Mom: Do you think we have to ask Obama for them, or will he just hand them out?
Me: …
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I started dating someone when I moved home after college; Mom wasn’t accustomed to the idea of my dating, ever.
mom: Don’t let him kiss you.
me: Okay, Mom.
mom: If he kiss you, maybe he has gingivitis and give you gum disease!
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my mom just opened a facebook account today. a few hours later…
“what did you do to me 28 times on the internet???”
(i tagged her in that many photos).
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“Do you have lot of pimples now? When Mommy your age I not have pimples because I have no hormones because I very skinny. You eat cheese, so you have fat, so you have lots of hormones so lots of pimples.”
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My friend won homecoming king last year. His mom was up on the stage with him when he won and as they were walking off she offered her congratulations: “Can you put this on your college apps?”
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talking about prize money for a dance contest
me: i don’t remember how much the prize is, probably a couple g’s (as in like a couple grand)
mom: what?!?!? cheese?!?!?! all just for cheese?!?!?!?!
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mom: (rolling her eyes at the slow loading speed on hulu) ugh.. buffeling.. buffeling.
bro: buffalo wing! buffalo wing!
it took her literally a month to figure out we were not just repeating after her. she was… less than pleased.
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mom: (reading deli meat packaging) would you like some pa-stro-no-mi on a croissant?
bro: ah, pastronomy. the study of the meaty cosmos.
mom: it took a long time for this thing to come to earth.
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My mom is in the middle of doing her Bible study/devotionals when all of a sudden…
Mom: what is…i-n-c-e-s-t mean?
me: …what?
Mom: i-n-c-e-s-t. what it mean?
me (not wanting to explain): i dunno, look it up.
Mom: aiyah, you get 2330 on your SAT and you can’t even tell me what incest mean.
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