My Mom is a Fob

Cutting Out the Crapohydrates

Posted on March 13, 2010 at 10:55am

I noticed my mom was loosing weight and asked if she was doing anything in particular.

She responds, “I am on a low crap diet.”

Paying for Prostitution

Posted on March 3, 2010 at 07:14pm

I was at a college career fair and was in the midst of an engaging conversation with the admissions officer of the school I was MOST interested in.

Mom: Oh…I see…Well, will my daughter be about to afford this prostitution?
About a second later:
Me: INSTITUTION?!?!
Admissions officer: Well, yes, we have a lot of … scholarships … though there ARE nice jobs on campus you can take to support yourself.

Big Breasted Snowman

Posted on March 1, 2010 at 03:28pm

It snowed a ton in New York not too long ago, and my mom, who is from California had this to say on me making a snowman, via her new favorite form of communication, text message:

Mom: Exciting! Try to make a female snowman!
Me: Will do mom
Mom: Take a picture of it! Make sure the cup size is 40 DDD!

Lesbians of the Middle East

Posted on March 1, 2010 at 03:25pm

So I went with my family to a buffet where I had a dodgy oyster and ended up hurling in the bathroom. The restaurant’s manager came out to talk to apologize to my parents while I had gone to the bathroom and when I came out, the most epic conversation with my mom ensued:

Mom: Ohh the manager came to talk to us. He said he was lesbian.
Me: Huh? You mean gay, right? He’s male…
Mom: No no, lesbian. He said he was from the Middle East.
Me: OHHHH!! You mean hes LEBANESE.
Mom: Yeah! Lesbian!

Eating the State

Posted on February 7, 2010 at 08:02pm

I look into the refrigerator and see a big brown paper bag and ask my mom what’s in it.
Me: What’s in the bag?
Mom: Oranges for Chinese New Year. Did I spell ‘touch’ right? T-O-U-C-H right?
Me: Yeah you spelled ‘touch’ right but you spelled oranges wrong…
Mom: (pronouncing oranges with a chinese accent) Or-an-gee. What’s the right spelling then?
Me: You spelled Oregon. That’s a place!
Mom: OH, HAHAHA. Fix it before your siblings eat all the oranges!!

Posted on February 3, 2010 at 10:45pm

This is a quote from a Gchat conversation with my mom about my tattoo and what my jichan (grandpa) thinks about it:

you are made to so pretty and beautiful, the tatoo ruin your value. that’s what jicchan think
and only yakuza get tatoo

(Yakuza is the Japanese mafia.)

Getting the Phone-Jeez

Posted on January 20, 2010 at 12:14pm

One Cock, Please

Posted on January 15, 2010 at 03:54pm

My mom and I were eating at a Denny’s a while back, and the following conversation ensued.

Mom: I’d like a cock.
Waitress: Um … a Coke?
Me: Yes, she would like a Coke.
Mom: Yes. A cock.

Mom Likes a Man in Uniform

Posted on January 2, 2010 at 10:32am

A couple of years ago my family went to a plane show where there were people in the army next to jets and fun stuff like that. It was a particularly hot day and these army men were wearing their full suits. We were already looking at one of the jets when this exchange happened:

Mom: I feel so hot for you! It is very hot weather today!
Soldier: Uh, thanks…

What she really meant was “You must be hot in your uniform.” And the soldier was pretty creeped out.

Delicious This, Delicious That

Posted on December 10, 2009 at 03:29pm

While using “delicious” to describe food isn’t technically wrong, I don’t think my mom ever figured out that we don’t use it that often.

Driving on the freeway a truck cuts me off horribly:

Me: What the fuck, asshole.
Mom: Jin, forgive him.  He’s carrying delicious salmon.  People who deliver delicious food are never bad people.